If At First You Don't Succeed
by La Rosa del Desierto
Summary: "... hide all evidence that you tried. It's guaranteed to work," said Rangiku. "I do it all the time." "No wonder you don't get anything done," replied Hitsugaya. - A series of oneshots and parodies about pretty much all the main Bleach characters. Yes, that does mean Kenpachi will be a pirate at some point. Will be adding quite a few, so watch this space!
1. Kenpachi

**In which Captain Zaraki turns to piracy**

The rippling waves shimmered in the bright sunshine. The sky was a clear cerulean blue, with only a few wisps of cloud stretching over its vast expanse. No land was in sight and the water reached out to meet the horizon on all fronts. The tranquillity of the moment was shattered by the familiar clang of sword meeting sword from the large ship floating in the ocean, aptly (and somewhat unimaginatively) named _The Captain's Fury_.

"Geddim, Ikkaku!"

"Go, Captain Zaraki!"

"Yay, Kenny!"

As you can imagine, silences were rare on this ship of brash, boisterous pirates.

The captain, a large, fearsome brute with a scarred face and hardened, lean chest grinned as he swung his jagged sword. A matching grin was on his opponent's face, his third-in-command Ikkaku Madarame. The shouts of encouragement from the on-looking crewmembers increased in volume as Ikkaku attempted to undercut his captain's blow, but was blocked instead.

"Ha, this is too easy," Zaraki growled, pressing harder on his opponent's blade with his own.

"You shouldn't be so sure," Ikkaku replied, and in one swift, smooth movement brought his sheath up in front of his body to block Kenpachi, freeing his sword which swung round to the captain's chest. Blood spurted out of the wound, but the man didn't seem fazed in the slightest, bleeding away on the deck.

Kenpachi Zaraki laughed, and renewed his assault on the (very smug) Ikkaku. The crew began to cheer once more.

"Geddim, Ikkaku!"

"Go, Captain Zaraki!"

"Yay, Kenny!"

It never occurred to the crew to say anything different. Suddenly there was a shout from above.

"Ship sighted, Captain Zaraki!" cried the lookout on the mast.

In actual fact this ship had been sighted a while ago, but the lookout hadn't wanted to interrupt the fight. The last time he did, he had lost his eye. It probably said a lot about the management of the ship that they still made him do lookout duty.

Zaraki walked to the railing, Yachiru on his shoulder with Yumichika and Ikkaku flanking him. The other ship had certainly seen them and was headed straight for them.

The miniature first mate placed the telescope over one large eye and closed the other one. "They haven't got a flag, Kenny!"

Kenpachi cursed. "Pirates. They've got nerve even being in the same ocean as me. They'll still be entertaining, but I was hoping for one of the military ships from the Soul Society. Now _they'd_ be fun opponents."

"Not to mention all the beautiful gold they'd have on board," said Yumichika wistfully. Suddenly Yachiru gasped, still looking through her telescope.

"What is it?" Zaraki asked.

"The ship… it's the _Estoque del Diablo!_ Yay!" the girl cheered.

Ikkaku grinned. "Prepare for battle?"

"Prepare for battle," his captain confirmed, eyes gleaming with bloodlust.

* * *

Meanwhile, elsewhere on the water unnoticed by _The Captain's Fury_, a third ship floated, watching the proceedings with interest. At least, one person was. The other crewmembers aboard the _SSS Ice Dragon_ watched their captain and subordinate arguing with amusement, as was the norm.

"Captaaain!" Rangiku whined. "Your yelling is making my migraine so much worse!"

Hitsugaya spluttered with rage. "_Your_ migraine?! You wouldn't even _have_ a migraine if you'd just _once_ laid off the sake like I told you to!"

Momo, who was watching the two other ships move steadily closer to each other, couldn't help but sigh at Rangiku's antics. Poor Shiro. Rangiku was one of her best friends, but she did tend to drive Captain Hitsugaya's stress levels through the roof sometimes. Most of the time. Actually, it was a miracle if he went five minutes without screaming at her.

Momo suddenly realised there was something a little off about the two other ships in the distance. First one, then the other, hoisted a flag to the top of the mast. The breeze caught them and they unfurled, flying steadily, revealing an ominous skull and crossbones motif. Momo's jaw dropped. Pirates!

"Shiro!" she cried, spinning, just as the captain prepared to pitch Rangiku over the side of the ship. Momo, remembering his current temperament, hastily corrected herself. "Captain Hitsugaya!"

The short, snow-haired young man dumped Rangiku onto the deck and turned, frown reappearing as he saw Momo's alarmed expression. He looked past her at the ships behind her, which they could all tell, even this far away, that they were busy hives of activity.

"No-one panic," Hitsugaya said in an authoritative voice. "By the looks of it, they haven't seen us, or if they have they have not acknowledged us. So long as we stay ready for anything, and as long as we calm ourselves…"

He was interrupted by the sound of someone vomiting behind him. After a while, Rangiku spoke up.

"Um, Captain? You remember that fancy-looking captain's hat you had, with all the feathers?"

"You mean the one I told you specifically_ not_ to touch, on pain of death?"

"That's the one! I think someone might have thrown up on it a little bit."

He did not turn to look at her, which she should have taken as the opportunity to run. It was a very, very foolish thing that she remained where she was. "And you have no idea who it was?" Hitsugaya asked.

"Not a clue, but I'm sure whoever they are, they're deeply apologetic and are probably thinking about what a horrible thing they've done to their wise, hopefully merciful captain."

"Is that so?" Hitsugaya said in a dangerously serene tone. "Well, Rangiku, I have only one thing to say to you."

The crew at this point mysteriously disappeared, finding anything else to do and anywhere else to be. Momo, who also knew her captain's moods well, tried instead to speak in order to calm him down but was forestalled by Hitsugaya's next word.

"_BANKAI!"_

* * *

Kenpachi was just about to give the order for the men to fire the cannons when the sense of someone's powerful spiritual pressure stopped him. As he looked around for the source, he noticed the brown-haired, pristine captain of the other ship do the same.

It wasn't hard to find what that spiritual pressure had been. Behind the ships, in the distance, was a huge column of ice, clearly from someone's temper tantrum.

_Excellent_, thought Kenpachi, _time to ditch this show off and fight for real!_

Just then, a thunderous sound ripped through the air and the _Fury_ swayed violently from side to side. Kenpachi regained his balance quickly and turned – to see another _Estoque_ on the other side! Where the hell had that come from? Yachiru swung onto his shoulder and pointed.

"Kenny, look! We can fight that one first, and then we can fight the other one after! It's gonna be like fighting them twice!"

On the second ship, Captain Sosuke Aizen chuckled softly. "You underestimate me, Zaraki," he said. "You can't even tell which one of my ships is real."

Kenpachi deliberately leaned far over the side, took a long look at where the wood had splintered from the impact of Aizen's cannons, and moved back to look at the still smoking weapons protruding from the opponent ship. Then he looked at Aizen.

"Well," he said, his grin that of a predator's, "I'm pretty sure that illusions can't blow massive holes in my ship, so you must be the real thing."

Aizen's eyebrows lowered slightly and the corners of his mouth turned up, giving his smile the appearance of evil smugness. Through Kenpachi's extensive experience with having to deal with certain members of his crew – here he tried very hard to dismiss the image of a certain young man with plumage on his eyebrows – he just knew there was a speech coming, somewhere along the lines of 'you're wrong and I'm going to spend an unnecessary amount of time explaining why'.

"Captain Zaraki," Aizen began. "I expected more from the fearsome leader of _The Captain's Fury_. You have absolutely no idea about the extent of my power." Kenpachi rolled his eyes. Sometimes he hated being right. "My Kyoka Suigetsu has the power of _complete_ and _utter_ hypnosis. That means that I can control all five of your senses, and you have no way of knowing what's real and what's not. Therefore, though you _say _you know which ship is real, you can never know for sure until I lift my _complete_ and _utter_ hypnosis. In the meantime, I am quite content to leave you feeling insecure and uncomfortable about the inevitable outcome of the fight, which will no doubt end in my favour. You see, I have planned this out already."

Kenpachi shrugged. "I don't feel uncomfortable."

"You don't?"

"Not even slightly."

"Oh. Really?"

"Nope," replied the spiky haired pirate, his feral smile showing more teeth.

A silver haired man next to Aizen spoke up cheerfully. "And there is a way to break the hypnosis!"

Aizen glanced sidelong at his subordinate, his soft brown eyes filled with pure murder. "Yes, thank you Gin," he said coldly. He turned back to Kenpachi. "You don't seem to be taking me seriously, so let me show you a taste of my power. Arrancars, attack!"

Immediately the crew on the other ship began preparing to swing across, using ropes hoisted onto the top of the sails. Kenpachi noticed others set up long planks which provided a path for them to board the _Fury_.

His deck became a fighting frenzy. The fierce captain soon found his opponent: an incredibly tall man with lank black hair and an eye patch. His sword was strangely curved, but extremely powerful. Kenpachi's eye narrowed. This guy wasn't going to last against him. How boring.

Suddenly a sharp blade slicing through his back made him gasp in pain, and he turned. An exact copy of the tall man stood behind him, his sword dripping with dark red blood. He smiled widely and raised his sword, just as his mirror image did the same.

_Well,_ thought Kenpachi. _Now things are getting interesting._

* * *

Even further away, the largest, most extravagant ship in the Soul Society floated on the waves. The _SSS Noble's Pride_ watched the _SSS Ice Dragon_ which was watching _The Captain's Fury_ which was trying very hard to keep watch on both copies of the _Estoque del Diablo_ at the same time.

Byakuya lowered his telescope at the sound of a woman's soft voice, and saw his adopted younger sister standing there, head bowed respectfully. Truly, she was an officer any captain should be proud to have.

"Excuse me, brother," she said. "But shouldn't we intervene soon? This would be an ideal time to catch them off guard." From her sidelong glance at the three ships currently in the heat of battle, there was no ambiguity as to what she had meant by 'them'.

Byakuya turned to face her. "No, Rukia," he replied. "I believe the ideal time to strike at them would be once one of the pirate ships emerge victorious. That way, not only will our work be cut down by up to a half, but the winning side would also be weakened from their previous fight." Byakuya looked over to the slowly dissipating ice column in front of the child prodigy's ship. "I believe that was Captain Hitsugaya's plan also." He paused, and then added, "At least, that was what I thought until he decided to release his bankai and give away his presence to the pirates. Now I have no idea what his intentions are."

Rukia nodded. Suddenly she pointed. "Captain! Something's happening!"

Byakuya raised his telescope once more and directed it at the pirate ships. There was a distant booming sound – cannons, no doubt – and one of the two copies of the ship sank into the water, splitting down the centre. Just before it submerged completely, however, it disappeared. Only the real ship remained.

Byakuya decided it was time for him to intervene. There was no longer any use in waiting; the other ships had probably seen him by now. If fighting was not an option for the pirates, running away was a possibility. And at this distance, success was highly likely.

"Renji," he said, turning to his second in command at the helm of the ship. "Let's go."

"Yes, sir!" replied the redhead, and spun the wheel.

* * *

"And for the last time," yelled Hitsugaya, "I am _not cute!"_

"Oh, but Captain –" began Rangiku with a cheeky grin on her face.

"No!"

"But you didn't –"

"I didn't need to!"

Rangiku, also known as the Source of All of Hitsugaya's Migraines, opened her mouth again but stopped as a looming shadow fell over the ship. Even Hitsugaya paused mid-yell to look.

The _SSS Noble's Pride_ sailed by, almost twice the height of the _Ice Dragon_. At her head stood Byakuya Kuchiki, wind flowing through his ebony locks. The gilded ship passed and Hitsugaya realised where they were going. Finally, it was time to join the battle. He felt honoured to be fighting alongside one of the most famous captains in the Soul Society. With great pride, he instructed his helmsman to follow.

It was at that exact moment that Rangiku decided to wolf-whistle at Byakuya Kuchiki, accompanied by an inappropriate wink once he had turned to look.

And once Toshiro Hitsugaya's rage had subsided, Rangiku was flailing in the sea, spluttering as she yelled for her captain to save her from the sharks she was sure were coming after her.

He conveniently ignored Momo throwing out a rope to pull the woman back up with.

* * *

Kenpachi could see he was losing. Even after he had managed to get rid of one of Aizen's ships, his men were badly weakened. Many of Aizen's subordinates were now on the _Fury_ yet a surprising number had decided to hang back.

His confusion was cleared when an old, white-haired pirate on the _Estoque _suddenly yelled, "Now, Arrancars! Mutiny! Let's take back what's ours!" A select number of men suddenly began attacking the other members of their crew.

Kenpachi Zaraki laughed aloud, catching the attention of his rival Captain. Aizen still looked calm, despite the small civil war erupting on his ship.

"Some captain you are, Aizen!" Kenpachi growled. "You can't even control your own people."

Yachiru swung down onto his shoulder from out of nowhere. "Yeah, dummy!"

Aizen glanced to the side. "Gin?"

"Shoot to kill, Shinso."

There was a flash and blood spurted out of the old man's chest. He fell, and the sword returned to the perpetually smiling man's sheath. "Well, wasn't that short lived?" he said to Ikkaku, whom he had just been fighting. "Now where was I? Oh yes, I was just telling you about how bored I was getting the other day! I decided to spike Ulquiorra's food, but instead of making him hyperactive like it was supposed to, it just –"

Suddenly a high pitched shout from Yachiru drew all attention to her. More specifically, to her pointing finger, which was indicating the arrival of two of the Soul Society's ships.

Kenpachi, covered in grime, sweat and blood (only some of the sanguine liquid was his; the rest belonged to that tall man he had killed earlier) straightened and grinned. This was turning out to be an excellent day.

The _Noble's Pride_ and the _Ice Dragon_ approached quickly. Kenpachi, despite loving extremely high odds against his favour, could see that unless he decided to retreat immediately, he would get smashed to smithereens by the Soul Society ships. His reasoning was pretty simple:

(2 x Estoques) + Captain's Fury = Battle and/or Death;

(2 x SS ships) + Estoque + Fury = Minor skirmish + Instant death for both pirate ships

_However…_ Kenpachi thought, analysing the way the ships were moving. If he were one of the captains aboard either of those ships, he would have decided to go for the _Estoque_, seeing that they were the ones who had boarded and were clearly beating their battered opponents. Then the other ship, seeing their imminent defeat, would have surrendered. _Yes,_ Kenpachi mused. _We could have surrendered. But we're not that predictable._

The sound of cannon fire signalled a warning shot. The captain from the larger ship had just demanded Aizen's surrender, but the pirate had refused. Kenpachi grinned as he heard Aizen saying, "You cannot defeat me."

The tall, dark-haired captain aboard the _Pride_ raised an eyebrow. "I doubt you are in any condition to fight, even given your hypnosis ability. Captain Hitsugaya, if you could –"

Kenpachi followed the noble's gaze to see why he had broken off so suddenly, to see a short young man – was that really a captain? – on the _Dragon_ yelling at a tall, well-endowed woman who even at this distance Kenpachi could see was dripping wet. Kenpachi laughed aloud and Yumichika sighed in impatience. At this, Captain Hitsugaya turned, face flushed from all the shouting, and glared icily at Kenpachi, who merely grinned insolently back, swiping his sword through the air as if to make the statement that the young captain could come at him if he wanted, but he wouldn't get very far.

The noble said something in a low voice, and suddenly his ship became a frenzy of activity. First one, then another crewmember swung across onto the _Estoque del Diablo_, now almost empty since most of her crew was on Kenpachi's ship. Aizen smiled and drew his sword as the captain of the _SSS Noble's Pride_ boarded the ship. As soon as this happened, the so-called Arrancars on _The Captain's Fury_ regrouped back on their own ship, and Ikkaku and the few others aboard the _Estoque_ returned to the _Fury_.

Kenpachi grinned. _Well, isn't this perfect?_

The_ Noble's Pride_ floated in front of the pirate ships, so it was blocking both of them from in front, with the_ Ice Dragon_ on the other side of the _Estoque_, ready to shoot it down with their large array of cannons. To put the icing on Kenpachi's proverbial cake, it seemed that Hitsugaya was also sending some of his officers down onto Aizen's ship.

The welcome chaos of battle ensued, providing Kenpachi with the opening he needed. As soon as the rest of crew saw what he was doing, they followed, greed providing them with enough adrenaline to temporarily overcome their fatigue. The tattered sails of the _Fury_ swung down, shielding them from the other ships.

It was a simple matter of not being seen and getting away. There was absolutely no chance of Zaraki taking on the Soul Society captains, with their advanced weaponry and numerous men, and surviving. So he just had to even the odds. Once he had boarded the ship, the crew barely put up a fight. Their senior officers were not on board and wouldn't be able to be any time soon as they were fighting Aizen and his men. They wisely saw that they were wildly outmatched and surrendered.

"Get everyone's attention," Kenpachi instructed. He was answered by a thunderous _bang_ which reverberated through the air as one of the cannons was fired. Immediately the fighting ceased, and everyone on the _Estoque_ and _Ice Dragon_ turned to look, their expressions varying between a slight widening of the eyes (Captain Kuchiki) to utter outrage with teeth bared and glaring eyes (his redheaded subordinate).

Kenpachi stabbed his sword into the air, laughing. "Thank you, captains!" he said, his deep voice bouncing back off the sides of the ships. "Without you, I wouldn't have this fine new ship I have today. It's a great gift you've given me! I must repay you someday. Until we meet again." With that, he gestured to Ikkaku, who spun the wheel at the helm, the ship following suit.

Yumichika hoisted a new flag onto the mast, the flag of the _Fury_. Instead of the usual skull and crossbones, Yumichika had altered it slightly. Kenpachi hadn't minded the swords instead of the crossbones, but the skull now sported – to use the man's words – "resplendent decorative brow enhancers". He had insisted that they were _absolutely nothing_ like his own, which were merely "beautifully ornamental… um… beautifiers." Kenpachi had rolled his eyes and just let him get on with it.

"Byakushi!" Yachiru cried suddenly. "You left your stuff!" Kenpachi noticed her dragging a large chest to the rail and opening it. Before he could say anything, the young girl had thrown out a smaller, gilded box, probably aiming for the impassive captain. Yachiru was quite strong, so the box sailed quite far, reaching the _Estoque_. However, she had not banked on the box bursting open during its flight, showering a significant amount of gold over the gathered seafarers. Immediately, they all scrambled for the money.

Captain Kuchiki's grey eyes narrowed slightly.

"Sorry, Byakushi!" Yachiru shouted. "Lemme try again!"

Several more expensive looking items flew over to the other ship. Some, such as clothes, didn't get very far and now decorated the surface of the sea. Others, such as a portrait of the captain standing side by side with a dark-haired woman, were caught by miscellaneous people who found themselves in the possession of very personal items. Finally, the distance widened between the ships, enough so that Yachiru was forced to stop.

She handed a gold bracelet to the amused pirate. "Can you throw this? I think Byakushi wants it, but I can't throw that far."

Kenpachi merely shook his head, and Yachiru yelled out across the water, apologising to the now presumably angry-beyond-all-reasoning captain and promising that she'd give them back the next time they met.

_The Ice Dragon_ was now beginning to pull away from the _Estoque_ to follow the _SSS Noble's Pride. _Kenpachi grinned. He had just faced Captain Sosuke Aizen, Captain Hitsugaya, and Captain Kuchiki, and made off with the latter's ship: the largest, richest, most powerful ship in the whole of the Soul Society. For now, Kenpachi's men needed to recuperate. But there would be a next time. And they would win.

_But, for now, _Kenpachi thought_. Let the chase begin!_

* * *

Author's note: Estoque del Diablo means Sword of the Devil in Spanish. The alternative translation for sword was 'Espada' but I wanted to use something different. Also, did you know Arrancar means 'tear' or 'rip'? How cool is that? I think it fits perfectly!

Anyway, as I said in the description, I'll be adding plenty more drabbles as they come to me. See you then!


	2. SWA (1)

**In which the SWA have a meeting**

Yachiru beckoned to the women sitting around the table. "Come closer, everyone! We don't want to be discovered, do we?"

"Of course not, chairman," replied Nemu.

"Good," said Yachiru, beaming widely. On any other child that smile would have been adorable, but on Yachiru Kusajishi it was a sign that she was about to do something especially destructive or violent. Some of the SWA actually felt shivers travel down their spines, but they remained where they were. Yachiru continued talking. "The first order of business today is finding a new meeting place. I don't think that rich guy likes us coming in here all the time."

"He _does_ get frustrated sometimes," said Rukia. The other women nodded as this was a very wise observation to make.

"We could go to Squad 13," Kiyone suggested. "Our captain wouldn't mind."

There was a collective chorus of sighs around the table.

"Of course he wouldn't mind," said Rangiku wistfully. "That man is sweeter than honey."

"So what do you say?" asked Momo. "Should we go?"

There was a thoughtful silence.

"I don't think we should," said Rukia. "This place feels like home to me."

"That's because it is."

Rukia nodded in agreement. It took a second for the realisation to dawn upon the group, and as one the women spun to see the owner of the voice. Byakuya Kuchiki stood in the doorway, framed in light, like some kind of a cold, angry angel.

"Byakushi!" Yachiru cried, leaping up. The women assembled could have sworn that an expression – yes, an actual expression – of horror flitted across his face before his stone grey eyes slid to the side, where Yoruichi was trying to sneak up behind him.

"Gotcha!" she yelled, and suddenly Byakuya had a bag over his head. "Struggling is no good," she informed the bag. "You should have learnt that by now."

"Quick, get the candles!" cried Isane. She rushed around, extinguishing the small flames lying around the room, on the table, and on shelves on the walls.

"Shall we meet here next time?" Nanao asked Yachiru.

"Yep, like always," the diminutive girl replied.

Byakuya said some muffled words under the bag, which Yoruichi helpfully translated.

"I think," she said with a small frown on her face, "I think he's saying… what was that? Hado no. 31, Shokaho? I see. Time to go, ladies."

The flashing red kido slammed into the opposite wall, missing Kiyone Kotetsu by a hair's breadth. Needless to say, the rest of the group did not linger behind.

When Byakuya lifted the bag from his head, he was met by a thankfully empty room. A room which, for all intents and purposes, was nothing more than extra storage space in Byakuya Kuchiki's bedroom. It seemed quite obvious – to him at least – that a room full of clothes was just a wardrobe, and didn't need to be unceremoniously emptied out and replaced by his dining table. There was simply no logic in it. It also seemed fairly obvious – again, this common sense only applied to Byakuya's superior intelligence, apparently – that candles were simply not meant to be stuck upside down to the ceiling, as Yachiru seemed to have done when she had first come into the room an hour earlier. Her lack of common sense was further supported when Byakuya noticed, with extreme displeasure, that the still lit candle on the ceiling had fallen onto the expensive wood of his dining table, which served as excellent kindling. He also had little appreciation for the fire currently consuming his bedroom.

Byakuya was _not_ impressed.


	3. Urahara

**In which Urahara has a Plan**

"Quick, Tessai!"

"Of course, Mr Urahara."

Only the shopkeeper's head and shoulders were visible over the counter as he and his two young assistants crouched behind it. Urahara held a pair of binoculars close to his eyes, keeping a vigilant watch on the street outside. Tessai finished sticking up the notice and quickly dove behind the counter.

There was a silence.

"When are they going to arrive, Mr Urahara?"

"Soon, Jinta! Very soon."

"How do you know?"

"…I have my ways. Ssh, everyone, they're coming!" With that, Urahara ducked behind the counter. After a few seconds of nervous anticipation, the four heard voices coming steadily closer to the shop.

"I don't get it," said a musical, feminine voice.

"You don't need to," said another voice, this one grouchy and masculine. "Uryuu's being a know-it-all. Like always."

Another person replied. "Just because you don't understand basic physics, Kurosaki, does not make me a know-it-all."

"But Orihime didn't get it either." This voice was deeper than the previous ones.

"Ah-hah! Even Chad is taking my side!"

"Wait, what's this?" Orihime stopped in front of the shop. There was a moment of silence as the four read the sign Urahara had specially prepared earlier.

The inhabitants of the shop waited with baited breath.

"Guess he's not home," said Ichigo. "Let's go."

Urahara waited for a full twenty seconds after they had left before leaping up. "It worked! My Plan worked!" The capitalisation of the P was evident in the way the eccentric shopkeeper said it, as if this plan contributed to the continued survival to the human race.

The blond man ran to the door and ripped off the poster, kissing it. "You're the best little concoction I've come up with, yes you are!" he cooed. Jinta rolled his eyes.

"What was the point, again?" he asked.

"I'm glad you asked!" replied Urahara. "I came up with this plan one fateful afternoon, when I was in the bath," he began. Immediately, Jinta shuddered. There were some things he really didn't need to know. What Urahara thought about in the bath was pretty much top of the list, even trumping the mysterious 'Where do babies come from?'

"I was looking at the plant in the window and thinking, 'Can plants see?'" Urahara continued. "Then I came to my senses and realised that plants couldn't in fact see as they didn't have eyes. Because if they did have eyes, I certainly wouldn't put them in the window while I was having a bath. I'm not a scientist for nothing, you know!"

Jinta rolled his eyes. He glanced at Ururu, whose attention was completely caught by the shopkeeper. Seeing this, Urahara seemed to be encouraged and his hand gestures became more dramatic as he told his story.

"Then that led me to wonder, 'Can plants think?' I pondered this for a while, then came to the conclusion that they could not. For otherwise, Ichigo Kurosaki would be more intelligent and less like the vegetable he is now." Kisuke paused for a second, probably waiting for laughter. It never came. "So I thought, let us test this theory! I will see how well Ichigo responds to different stimuli. Based on that data, I will finally be able to discover how to give plants intelligence!"

This reasoning did not make any sense to the redheaded boy. But he had learned long ago to leave the 'science' up to the boss. Said boss was now practically skipping as he went through to the back of the shop. Jinta picked up the notice that had been on the door. How on earth was this related to Urahara's experiment?

_Dear visitor, _read the sign, _if you are a Kurosaki, an Ishida, a Chad or an Orihime, we are out to lunch. If you are a woman who can shape shift into a cat, come right in, my dear! __**If you're a moocher, go overstay your welcome at someone else's house.**__ Jinta, please! Renji is always welcome. If you're a Visored, come round the back. If you don't know who any of the above are, welcome, friends!_

Jinta shook his head. How anyone had fallen for this was beyond him. Those four must have been truly dumb to actually believe they were 'out to lunch'. Especially since it was ten in the morning.

He glanced back to where Urahara was searching through a chest of drawers, throwing things out at random, and amended his statement. Those four hadn't been dumb; they had known when to get out while they still could.

On the other hand, Jinta mused, they didn't know what they were missing out on.


	4. Uryuu

**In which Uryuu perfects his Smug Look**

Ichigo was casually leaning on his desk during his history lesson – absolutely _not_ sleeping – when he suddenly heard Uryuu's voice in his ear.

"Hey, Ichigo, Chad and I were wondering –"

"OHMYGOD!" Ichigo yelled, leaping about three feet into the air. "The hell?"

Uryuu Ishida pushed his glasses up his nose. "You wouldn't think this guy defeated Aizen, would you?" he said to the tall dark teen standing beside him, ignoring Ichigo's indignant scowl. "As I was saying earlier, Chad and I were wondering whether you'd be interested in joining us for lunch today."

Ichigo frowned in confusion. "I always eat with you guys."

"That's true," agreed Uryuu. "But you just seemed so out of it that I was wondering whether or not you'd actually be getting up out of your chair at all. Class ended six minutes ago."

Ichigo's head automatically swivelled in the direction of the clock, noticing as he did so that the room was now empty. Damn it, Uryuu was right. He hated it when that happened. He tried to think of some excuse to stop Uryuu from going into Speech Mode, but that history lesson really had deadened his brain. Oh dear. "I knew that," he began lamely. "I was just waiting for you guys." _Damn it, brain!_

Uryuu pushed his glasses up his nose and a smile began to tug at the corner of his mouth.

_Here it comes_, Ichigo thought. _Thank goodness my mind is fried. I don't have to even try to process whatever long-winded speech Uryuu's about to make. _

But Uryuu smiled. And Ichigo realised what a massive mistake he'd made. Because Uryuu had now perfected his Smug Look.

Ichigo didn't think he'd ever been so annoyed at the Quincy. But now, he reflected, as he planted a foot squarely in that smug idiot's face, he could find new and creative ways of annoying the dark-haired teen to make sure that he never saw _that _expression ever again.

Now it was Ichigo's turn to look smug, which he did with great pleasure. He slung his bag over his shoulder and strode out of the classroom, whistling a merry tune and leaving a very angry Uryuu with a sympathetic Chad behind him.

Things were starting to look up for Ichigo Kurosaki.


	5. Byakuya

**In which Byakuya _almost_ smiles**

Byakuya's grey eyes surveyed Rukia's face, full of pride and loyalty for her older brother. Something in his expression changed, ever so slightly, and he flash-stepped away.

"Look at that!" Renji said. "He smiled at you!"

Rukia looked at the redhead and raised a sceptical eyebrow.

After a contemplative second Renji said, "Well, maybe not on the outside, but you just know the captain was smiling on the inside."

Rukia's eyebrow didn't budge.

"Deep inside," Renji said.

Rukia's other eyebrow joined the first.

"Deep… _deep_ down," Renji began, but then gave up. "Yeah, I was having trouble believing myself too."

Rukia turned back to watch the battle. Her expression creased with worry lines as she saw Senbonzakura flash and swirl. But she had faith in her brother's fighting abilities. He'd succeed. He had too much pride to fail.


End file.
